Musings

Purposeful Singleness

 It’s quite disheartening how a lot of well-meaning adults cajole you to find a mate when you’re still single. Are they even aware that they are reinforcing discontentment instead of a fully yielded heart savoring ecstatic intimacy with Jesus? Much to my chagrin is the notion that as a good Christian girl, I ought to marry. That comes in different versions of speech but all sends me one message; that it’s my Christian responsibility to marry and have a family. Now, I don’t look down on marriage. In fact, I esteem it as a great opportunity from God to be fashioned more in the likeness of Christ. A family is a mission field that would exhaust every fiber of your being almost 24/7. Marriage, however, isn’t God’s ultimate purpose in our lives. Throughout the Scripture, God has shown that He is our satisfaction and we are to enjoy Him. That given, it’s more appropriate to exhort someone to pursue deeper passion and intimacy with Christ rather than spending emotional energy pining for an earthly romance.

The Bible states that Jesus is to be our first love and we are to love Him with all our hearts, souls, strengths, bodies, and minds. A single’s mind is already bombarded with perishable thoughts persistently trying to steal her heart. Surely, a romantic rival of Christ would prove unwise. He has to have it all, no strings attached. (Hmmm. I think that would be a good mantra {^-^})

Desire of wanting a spouse isn’t evil. Problem is, when you wallow in it, you’ll be swallowed in discontentment. “Alright!” you say, “I’ll wait for God’s perfect timing and just trust Him with my love life. Meantime, I’ll busy myself serving Him.” Then when you reach 30 with no signs whatsoever that He’ll give you a husband or a wife, you would start worrying. You would wonder if God has forgotten about your desire for a life partner or why has He not given you in marriage despite your fervent prayers. For sure, you would either think of 101 questions about your “spouse request”, or 101 reasons to justify God’s seemingly insensitive demeanor. Will you bargain with Him that if you do this or that, He's obligated to write you a love story? Nonetheless, such attitude shows insufficiency in Christ.

I’m not trying to be dogmatic here. Go open your Bible on your knees with all humility, offering your broken self. Ask Him to open your eyes, quicken your dull heart and spirit, and you’ll come to understand that He is your all and all. Trust Him; whether you‘re single or married, no relationship could ever supersede the intimacy that He could give you.

“Could you possibly have the gift of celibacy that’s why you think that way? You know, it’s hard to suppress your feelings and you’d be lying to yourself if you say you wholeheartedly want to be single the rest of your life.” How often do I hear that?

 Everyone has a choice to embrace singleness as a gift. Don’t assassinate your brain figuring if God might have a special formula He made others drink to give up marriage. Admittedly, there would be times of craving for a romantic relationship with someone. Therefore, you would ask God for His enabling to stay focus on Him and not let your thoughts wander. Contrary to what most people think, this is not some sort of suppression or deprivation. It’s about emptying yourself from anything whether be good or bad in anticipation of a much fulfilling romance with Jesus. Indeed, the most beautiful and the most satisfying experience of all is to just allow your whole being to be immersed in His love, protecting it from any other thoughts. Eventually, a heart captured by the beauty of Christ will not need any motivation to pour out her life for His cause.

 Here’s another; “Desiring a lifetime of singleness is immature and selfish. God instituted family. Therefore, His will for you is to marry.”

 Is seeking to walk a path of undivided devotion to Christ immature? The Bible, specifically on 1 Corinthians 7, commended singleness committed for God’s glory. “The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord,…..”( 1 Cor. 7:33b) How then, could it be selfish to abandon thoughts of marriage, just so you could make yourself available to love and care the forgotten of the world like what most Christian singles in the past did?

 It’s not my objective to degrade marriage and family. I, myself would feel honored if I were to be a wife and a mother. That’s because God entrusted me a high calling of living out a godly marriage and raising godly children. Now, that would be tough. However, I’m one of the voices of singles who appeals not to be treated indifferently or to be coerced to forsake hopes of Christ-absorbed singleness. Are all bound for an earthly marriage? 1Corinthians 10:13 states that all things are to be done for the glory of God. A single is accountable to God with how she’s spending her time in service as does a married person. Therefore, no status is better than the other.

 Let me quote John Piper; “...there are Christ-exalting ways to be married and there are Christ exalting ways to be single. There are ways to use our bodies, our appetites in marriage and in singleness that make much of Christ..”

To end this, I can’t help but write what plays in my mind whenever I’m asked the question: “When is your big day?”

To which I would respond, “Oh! That would be soon so you better watch out. I look forward to the day of my (as part of His bride) wedding with Jesus.”

 Nevertheless, I don’t make that verbal. I just sheepishly smile because I don’t want to see another contorted face or rigid reaction.

LOVE ME NOT

So you think you love me,

What makes it so?

You enticingly described me,

And almost put me on a pedestal.

My looks is on top of your list,

What would have happened if I’m ugly?

You claim we’re totally compatible,

Yet a woman is sometimes fickle.

You said you could talk with me for hours,

         Time comes there’s nothing to talk about.

You take great pride on my faith,

A prospect made-to-order godly wife

I may believe what you feel is true,

But forgive me if I say no.

It’s clear you only fell for me,

Because I meet your selfish conditions

I am not perfect and never will be.

Next time you entertain romantic thoughts,

Ponder first the cost.

One thing I assure you,

Having a woman won’t give you bliss

It would be more like walking on fire.

She’ll never materialize your exact desires.

Before you think of marriage

Learn love from Jesus first

For He is the Perfect Lover

Who died for an imperfect bride

 

 IF YOU LOVE ME

Why won’t you believe I’m in love?

To a Man greater than you

Why try to stand in His way?

When He is more powerful than you

I am not naïve as you think

I just don’t want any distractions

You want to prove your love is true?

Protect me from yourself.

Let me have a singular affection in Him

Why Are You Being Elusive of Love?

..a question that demands an answer (though I don’t have to).

I’ve always been like that (as far as I can remember).

1.       Grade School: It always enrages me when some little punks blatantly announce how they fancy me which in turn, excite the whole class, and I become the object of teasing. How could they have the guts to say such things when they, themselves, were merely kids? For me, that’s total absurdity! At such a time, we’re not supposed to be intimately thinking of the opposite sex, but to enjoy being children- playing house, princesses, pirates, dolls, and leggos.

2.       High School & College: Ah! High school- the stage of transition. I’m one of those so called late bloomers because I still think like a child. It’s hard for me to relate to my friends who, overnight, suddenly have a gf or bf. And, heck, I always have to be the ‘bridge’ or ‘middle person’. To tell you honestly, it sucks! (Unless they’ll bribe me..haha!) I remember in my freshman year when our MAPEH teacher had us write letters to people we admire. I couldn’t think of anyone so I randomly pick my sophomore buddy in our DAMATH Club. Wanting to impress myself with how well I can write, I (as you probably can guess) search through books and Webster for highfalutin poetic words that express admiration. Little did I know that our MAPEH teacher distributed our letters to all addressees (those who happen to be in our school). She, what?!
That innocent and pompous letter of mine put me in hot waters. Sophomore girls flocked to my classroom to hunt for someone named “Sarah” who dared write to one of the most-sought-after guys in our high school (Honest, I didn't know that. I was just a naive freshman, remember?) Even senior guys (his friends I presume) gave me curious looks and do banters with him. Why? Because he (voluntarily) had them read my letter! (Oh, traitor! I thought he’s a nice big brother!) Fortunately for him, his friend’s sister, (who was my classmate), stayed my tirade by explaining he’s just proud that among his friends, he got the most sensible piece of work. That he didn't really mean to use me nor my poor letter for his own fame. He even wrote back a letter expressing his appreciation. I kept my silence but that demeanor, still, for me is unacceptable.

The rest of my secondary and tertiary school years were just a passing cycle watching youths listen to their hormones and thereby recklessly jump into relationships. They’ll have a blast for sometime then breakups. Soon, you’ll have your girlfriends come crying to you for comfort. It became too common and that got me fed up listening to heart issues. Laughingly, I can recall the times I was accused of being insensitive, heartless, abnormal, or just plain coward to try. I didn't mean to be seen as such but for me, if breakup is the grand end of a relationship, then count me out  regardless of how nice it is to experience being ‘loved and to love’(as they phrase it). I don’t need those warm, fuzzy, mushy feelings when at the end of it; I’ll see my heart broken. And please, don’t get me started with some bighead freaks who thought they can easily sweep me off my feet.

3. 18 y/o onward:  I can’t believe I’m an adult now. No matter how much hiding I’d do for people (especially men) to treat me like a younger sister (and to be genuinely seen as such), the fact couldn't be denied that I’m now a woman- no longer a child or a teen. How inconvenient that is when men begin to notice and see you as a good prospect. It makes me feel like I’m a prey in the den of predators. Hiding, as helpful as it is, isn't much of an option (This may raise eyebrows, I know).  I have no problem with mental, emotional, social, and spiritual maturity, but I don’t want to be coerced to participate in this so-called romance too soon. Not that I don’t experience attraction or admiration towards someone, but I know I’m not fit or qualified yet to even consider marriage.
“Ah..so that tells me you’re scared of commitment.”
No. It’s not the commitment that I’m scared of. I’m scared of my heart. Just an imagination of me acting like I lose my sanity in the name of love (like what happened to most) terrifies me!
“But, that’s how it is in love.”
No it isn't.  I've seen what real love looked like and I’m persuaded that you never lose control. I've seen that in the way Jesus wooed me.

“Yeah, right..Another ‘Jesus is my boyfriend’ freak.”
 Think whatever you like, but I’m not ashamed to testify that before I may have dangerously engaged into a romantic relationship (for the mere sake of experiencing it), Jesus stepped in. He made me fall in love with Him. And I love Him. I really do.
Funny though because at a time when I thought my ‘love issue’ was settled, and I look for confirmation from Him; He remained silent. I checked my heart and there I found that desire exists. I wanted, and have tried to kill it because I was afraid to lose my First Love. Thankfully, He stilled my frantic thoughts. There’s no need for me to do that. It’s not given to me to decide what to do with it and it’s not my place to worry whether He’ll give my hand in marriage someday or not. I just have to trust Him and live pursuing Him and His honor. He’ll take care of the rest of the details of my life.

Conclusion:

Really, I’m not trying to be elusive of love (as some may have wrongly interpreted). But, I am being elusive of many different imitations of love. Men, to get what they want, would try to put their best foot forward. And, boy, they got some serious skills. Like a chameleon, they can easily camouflage into this ‘man-after God’s own heart’ mode. Oftentimes, it’s so convincing that the deception is barely recognizable. Here, I am to be most sober in guarding my heart. When one (who is seemingly close with God) starts sending signals that I’m of interest to him, I try to play it coolly (though inside, I’m a little freaked out). Jesus’ love for me is the pattern (not necessarily the yardstick for we, humans are not perfect) on which I test the purity of a guy’s heart. Does he really love me as Jesus does-not being blind to my weaknesses and quirks? Or does he only like me because he thinks; I’m the personification of the woman of his dreams – the perfect, Prov. 31 virtuous woman? The latter, sadly, has become a common spectacle to me. Some men (especially those in the ministry) may truly be sincere in what they feel. Of course, they’d look for a suitable help-meet. That- is where I try to practice love as a sister in Christ by protecting them from their perfect ‘mental portrait’ of me. They may not understand it (and I don’t explain unless asked) but I would rather risked being misunderstood than for them to be disillusioned.

Then there’s also the type of man who thinks that a woman is the ‘right one’ because through her life and blameless testimony, he’s compelled to seek closer relationship with God. There’s nothing wrong with that but if she’s the affirmation he’ll be depending on, he’ll end up crippled in his faith. God created men to be leaders in all things and that their confidence must first-hand come from Him, not women. Here, a woman who cares on the spiritual welfare of her brother should not just sit and do nothing. Though you can’t do anything about his heart, but at least do something to prevent becoming his distraction. Withdrawal, though painful for him and you (especially if you like the guy too) maybe necessary in this case. No man or woman should become a rival to God in any one’s heart. He, must first ravish our hearts, wholly and completely. Through that, we start to truly learn how to love a person, following the Holy Spirit’s lead and timing.
Besides, He is sovereign. Worry not that you maybe missing your chance for a love story or that you may never meet another guy or girl like the one you presently fancy. He/she might indeed be the one but His right timing is more important than finding the right person.