"..be faithful weary pilgrim,
the morning you will see..
lift up your cross and follow close to me.."

Singing in halts..

 Tear-filled eyes.. 

 I plod my way down the mountain.

This is just the beginning of God's call to servant hood.

Heartbroken, I didn't think twice to retreat...

Away from the crowd and all the noise..

Needed to, and have to..

Thing is, I couldn't be fully myself while ministering..

The weight of self-denial starts to wear me down..

It sucks when you're composed and clear-headed in public,
but can't restrain your own emotions in private.

Refusing self-vindication, hard as it is, isn't that big of a sacrifice

compared with what was done in the Calvary.

However, it's healthy to be away for some time..

..away with Him in secret..

.. in a place where you could just freely cry

 and pour your heart out.

It's alright...

..just be yourself now..

He listens..

He knows..

Missing...

...my childhood days. So simple. So carefree.

Once upon a time, there was a little girl who didn't want to grow up and get old. 

Air castles were built, and she explored many magical worlds.

When hurt, she finds refuge in the company of her secret friends.

And with her pen, she created printed pictures of life—both the beautiful and the ugly. 

Once upon a time, there was a young girl who was naive,
 but didn't want whatever innocence she had left disturbed. 
When someone tries to pump her budding emotions out,

She'd run like a gazelle and hide.

 

Once upon a time, there was a blossoming girl left in the open. 
She desperately sought protection from anyone who'd care.

 

Once upon a time, menfolk obliviously broke her heart.

Obsessed with their own feelings , they forgot hers.
(It's hard & painful when they want her to be someone she can never be.)

 

 

Once upon a time, there was a flourishing girl who was caught in the intersections of life.

Well-meaning people attempted to define her life and future being. 
There'd be times she'd want to cover her ears from all the voices, 
but she knew that as long as she was breathing, they wouldn't go away.

 

 

Once upon a time, there was a girl drifting into uncertainty. 
She ought to be like this, or that, and confusion clouded her. 
In this ridiculous mess, the Man drew her out. 
In Him she found who she really was.

 

Finally, her heart came home..

Him- her glorious end.

(PP)

  " Be ye followers of me, even as I also am of Christ. "

 1 Corinthians 11:1

Follow me...
I believe that means to see what God has done and is doing in my life. You'll still see many imperfections, but He'll surely polish all those. After you have set your eyes on this one handiwork of His, look at Him - my Maker and Designer Who is consistently doing a work in my life.

...become the woman I see in Your eyes.

..not what men thought of me..

..not what well-meaning people expect me to be..

Lord, I just want to be defined by You.

Reminiscing the times I've wandered around and tried hard to ditch the 'stigma of close association' with You only to end up in Your embrace-ever accepting and forgiving and understanding.

Sudden rain showers!!!

"Please stop it!!!"

Seeing your mischievous smile, I know You won’t heed my plea.

My eyes quickly surveyed the surrounding for a shelter but found none.

The ever persistent me attempted to run but You held me.

“I’ll be drenched!” was my hopeless appeal.

You turned me around to face You.

“Shhh..Everything’s alright. I’m here. Stay where I AM.“

Those words were enough to make me feel at peace.

Finally, a smile parted my lips.

“What’s the point of hiding from the rain when you have just been invited to be soaked in happiness?”

(PP)



When the  rain comes, You will....

You wouldn't understand God’s love through definitions no matter how theologically they are explained. The only way is to know the Person – Jesus –Who is ‘LOVE’ Himself.

 

(PP)

But let him that glorieth glory in this, that he understandeth and knoweth me, that I am the LORD which exercise lovingkindness, judgment, and righteousness, in the earth: for in these things I delight, saith the LORD. 

 Jeremiah 9:24

   And I will give them an heart to know me, that I am the LORD: and they shall be my people, and I will be their God: for they shall return unto me with their whole heart.

 Jeremiah 24:7

  (PP: Personal Photo)

My Prince,

I used to be afraid
of falling despite the many times I fell. However, as You reveal more of
Yourself to me, I discovered I no longer fear failures and frequent halts in my
life’s journey. Some people may nonchalantly drop me from their lives, yet You
would be there to catch me. And I will be comforted again – in Your arms.

   Then shall ye call upon
me, and ye shall go and pray unto me, and I will hearken unto you.

Jeremiah 29:12

( PP: Personal Photo)

Spiritual discipline 1: <1 Cor. 6:12>

Don't let anything,(even good things)other than the Holy Spirit of God control you.

Spiritual discipline 2:<Matt. 6:7-13>

Worshipers of different Eastern religions pray that they'll be blessed and to have peace. How do your prayers differ from them?

Spiritual Discipline 3: <Luke 10:38-42>

Busyness in the ministry doesn't equate with godliness, nor does it count toward your personal communion with God.

Spiritual Discipline 4, Psalm 78: 35–37

 God isn't pleased with how much we've done in the ministry, but how much we've loved. How much of your work was done by a heart in love with Jesus Christ?

Spiritual Discipline 5

Though you say it with your mouth, you don't really believe you are weak when there's no daily demonstration of dependence that you refuse to move an inch unless you've met first with God in the Word and in prayer. 

Spiritual Discipline 6: 

Call not yourself a good Christian when you can't even act Christlike as a parent, child, sister, or brother before those who see your life at home.

Spiritual Discipline 7:

Be careful not to depend on books or men for your knowledge of God. No Christian has secondhand knowledge of Christ; only firsthand.

Spiritual Discipline 8:

Be careful not to attribute all things as works of the Holy Spirit. Test everything in the Word.

Spiritual Discipline 9: 

Once you've known the beauty and sweetness of an intimacy with Christ, you will never settle for the spiritual emptiness of a complacent relationship with Him

(List would be updated as I progress in my walk with Jesus.)

How could You just be pleased to lavish all that You are in me when, in reality, there's little of me that is spent for You? This, leaves me totally dumbfounded!

( picture from tumblr)

My greatest feat O Lord,

is to KNOW You 

and to discover how much You love me.

(photo from tumblr)

 The LORD hath appeared of old unto me, saying, 

Yea, I have loved thee with an everlasting love: 

therefore with lovingkindness have I drawn thee.
 Jer_31:3

 Doubtless, we were
created for one specific love.  

Not the counterfeit kind that our fickle
emotions periodically produce. 

It’s a Love that is not ours. 

The love, that is
only of God. 

Ruckus between a drunk law enforcer and my newly found friends stopped me on my tracks.

Exchange of profanities heated the atmosphere.

"Whoah! What will I do?"

Though I  prepared myself on the possibility of such encounter, it came sooner than I expected.

Thankfully, the mister decided to walk away. I looked for the girls but only found Clarisse. The rest were already picked. One member of the group came near me and politely asked if I needed anything. That was God's open door. Soon, we became acquainted. His name is Venus ( yes, he is gay). I explained what I do and why I was in their place. He expressed concern that I may be mistaken as one of them. Touched, I smiled, but told him I'd be fine.

" And I know I am. My Prince is with me."

 With laughs, he told me of his religious backgrounds yet none could change him. Of course, we know that religion can't change a person, only Jesus Christ. So, I told him the gospel. 

"Oh, if only the passion in my voice and facial expression can persuade people to believe in my Jesus!" However, I'm not the Holy Spirit.

After I finished sharing the gospel, he thanked me and quickly left. Sigh. Though God is not limited by people's skepticism, I've learned that He comes to a person in His own time. On my way home, I mused on the subject of loving every soul I came in contact with.

" O Lord, I am not just a communicator of Your Word. Help me become a communicator of Your love through my words and deeds. "

Will you pray for their salvation with me? 

Will you also pray for me that I won't get fed up with this endeavor? Yes, as siblings in Christ, let's pray for each other as we go with our Father in His search for our lost brothers and sisters. Whatever the result, let's continue inviting others into a personal relationship with Him.

(Googled Photo)

  Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.   For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light

~ Matthew 11:28-30 ~

"Corrie looked at the man standing in front of her. Instead of seeing his smiling face, she saw the faces of Betsie and her father. The man thrust out his hand to shake Corrie's and as he did so, hatred filled her heart. She would not and could not lift her hand to shake his. "Oh God" she prayed silently, "Help me to live my message." As she prayed those words, it was though a strong jolt of electricity had run through her body. Her arm stretched out as though she had no control over it and she took the man's hand. As she did so, all the hatred she felt melted away and she knew she had forgiven him. "Yes, it's wonderful to know that God forgives all our sins" she said, meaning every word."

~ Corrie Ten Boom, Keepers of the Angel's Den ~

to a deeper understanding of who God is, yet that understanding has had little impact on my life. And I know the problem is not with God, but with me. What Moses said is true.

  "It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God."

Hebrews 10:31

It is a fearful thing to be exposed to a lot of biblically sound doctrines, but I don't act upon the truths heard. It is even more dangerous to teach those truths, yet my life doesn't reflect it. And the most terrifying of all, were the times my lips uttered "Lord, I love you' but my heart was busy pursuing many things other than Him. Hence, that plea from Corrie Ten Boom really sticks out to me.

  

 A Prayer :

 "Lord, I implore You. Help me also live my message. Pour Your Spirit in me. I'm incapable of imitating Jesus without Your Holy Spirit. Forbid that I'll turn to a Pharisee saying ' I believe..' but has no living  proofs of those beliefs in my Christian walk."

 ( photo from tumblr)

 ( photo from tumblr)

Starting to chicken out again, I directed my feet to meet them. Kim was nowhere in sight, so I asked for her whereabouts. She went home and will return after two weeks. The girls who answered my query seem kind and jovial. It's a good opportunity to talk. However, feelings of hesitancy and fear clawed at my heart. Great. I'm a dumb mouthpiece for the proclamation of the Gospel.

"What peculiar taste God has in his choice of servants."

He uses people who aren't fit to join His army. Nevertheless, He is a God of impossibilities. He shows His strength to the ignoble and weak. 

So I met four more ladies, namely Irish, Clarisse, Lovely, and Rio. Unlike Kim, they're very much open to hearing what I'm about to share. I talked about Jesus loving them so much that He willingly died for their sins. Our talk got interrupted by the club's boss. He called them up to entertain "guests," but they promised to come back. I was left alone outside. Two men with lust-filled eyes passed by and stopped briefly to check me out. I looked away, and my stomach turned. Realizing I wasn't one of them, they left.

"Dear Lord, how can I invite my sisters to come out of this darkness?"

After a few awkward minutes, the girls started filing out. Relieved, we sat at the pavement and continued what we started. They listened intently, and I saw glints of hope in their eyes.

My heart was filled with joy when they said they believe God loves them enough to be among those He died for. We closed in prayer. That won't be our last meeting. I'm now their friend, and I'll continue sharing God's Word with them. The time will come when they'll desert their jobs and walk with Jesus. I don't know when or how. It may take months or years, and I may face lots of opposition from the enemy, but I'll walk by faith. A faith increased by knowing Him.

A girl crying in the jeepney seat beside me,

Teenagers smoke and loiter late at night.

Drunks making messes of themselves,

And young women exploited for money and pleasure.

Many are in misery and are without hope. In dire need to know that God thinks of and cares for them despite the quagmire of sin they're in. That they're not forgotten. They will have the right to be called the sons and daughters of God if they only believe.

So who will tell them?

Me. You. Us.

Christians..

May we be among those voices who say,

"Lord, here I am. Send me."

#####################

Journal 7/18/12

( photo taken from tumblr)

The first time I laid eyes on them, I saw me. 

 I may not have the same profession as them,

but they are an exact picture of myself before I've come to Christ. 

Filth of the society. Unlovable. Unwanted. Hopeless. 

My heart broke for them.

They need love.

They need Jesus.

It was at that time I've decided I have to tell them about my Beloved.

I didn't know how to reach them, mainly because I only see them at a very awkward place and time.

Yet God has put a burden in my heart not to include them in the thousands of people I just passed by.

A plan came to my mind.

Every Tuesday, after discipleship at our church, 

I purposely walk along the route where they wait for their customers.

There I and some brethren ( if they happen to have walked with me) give out gospel tracks.

This continued on for weeks.

What happened earlier tonight was special though. 

As I was on my way, I was uttering a silent prayer.

" Lord, even if it's just one. If  only I can lead one."

Before I start transitioning to a coward, I stopped in front of that pub house.

I walked towards a girl and introduced myself as one of those who passed tracks every Tuesday night.

Her demeanor shows that she's not interested.

Still, I persisted to have a small talk with her.

Her name is Kim.

She was polite to shook hands with me.

 I asked if she can have time to meet with me for a short Bible study.

Kim started closing doors of herself. She gave reasons why she can't.

Clearly, she doesn't want to have anything to do with me.

"Some things can't be rushed.

I left my number for her to contact me when she'll be available.

On my way home, I noticed my right palm was warm. 

A little odd because I'm one of those people who gets literal icy hands in a cold weather regardless of how thick my clothes are. Oh. Maybe because she remained in my thoughts. 

How Jesus must love her too! 

His love for her flowed from my heart and through my veins

It was a long shot, but I can rely on God's Spirit. 

He's busy searching for His other beloveds.

"Just as He didn't give up on me, He won't give up on them."

*********************************

                                                                 ~ Journal/ 7/10/12 ~                                                                  

 ( photo taken from tumblr)

Shutting my eyes in prayer, 

my heart has a clearer view of my Savior's face.

For ye see your calling, brethren, how that not many wise men after the flesh, not many mighty, not many noble, are called:   But God hath chosen the foolish things of the world to confound the wise; and God hath chosen the weak things of the world to confound the things which are mighty;   And base things of the world, and things which are despised, hath God chosen, yea, and things which are not, to bring to nought things that are:   That no flesh should glory in his presence.   But of him are ye in Christ Jesus, who of God is made unto us wisdom, and righteousness, and sanctification, and redemption:  That, according as it is written, He that glorieth, let him glory in the Lord. 

~ 1 Corinthians 1:26-30 ~

 ...that I may live in freedom from sin. 

He will make sure that his work in me is done. 

In recreating a corrupt mess like me, 

He’ll strip everything, layer per layer. 

From the ugly sin habits 

to pretensions, 

and down to guilt feelings 

and self-worthlessness.

John 10:10b
"..I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly. "

Love
covers a multitude of sins.(1 Pet. 4:8)
Before that, all sins must be exposed,
peeled one by one.
And it hurts,
because you’re revolted by what you see,

- your real appearance.
But
it’s the first step to healing.


(photo from tumblr)

That the trial of your faith, 

being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, 

though it be tried with fire, 

might be found unto praise and honour 

and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ:

1Peter 1:7

      ************************************

To my shame, other Christians are and were presently being tortured for their faith yet endures for Christ's sake. They didn't and won't deny Jesus at the cost of their lives while there was me,

denying Christ over superficial things.

*

*

*

When I don't deprive myself of fasting from blogging and internet usage, 

I have already denied Christ. 

When I refuse not to finish a good movie in the evening 

so I'll have time with God, I denied Christ.

When I fail to be gracious to those who irk me, I denied Christ.

When I stop learning unconditional love towards the people

 who stretch my patience, I denied Christ

Most of all, if I can't consent to be vulnerable to criticisms, 

and  the possibility of being misunderstood because of my faith, I denied Christ.

*

*

*
As for vulnerability,

there may come a time that I would get fed up with everything.

Yet God, willing to show the abundance of His grace,

gave me a verse, and I thank Him for it.

 If thou hast run with the footmen, 

and they have wearied thee, 

then how canst thou contend with horses? 

and if in the land of peace, 

wherein thou trustedst, they wearied thee, 

then how wilt thou do in the swelling of Jordan?
Jeremiah 12:5 

*

*

Like Bro. Paul Washer, this verse speaks to me:

"If I can't live with tiny discomforts in life, 

how would my faith be when greater tests come?"