"..be faithful weary pilgrim,
the morning you will see..
lift up your cross and follow close to me.."

Singing in halts..

 Tear-filled eyes.. 

 I plod my way down the mountain.

This is just the beginning of God's call to servant hood.

Heartbroken, I didn't think twice to retreat...

Away from the crowd and all the noise..

Needed to, and have to..

Thing is, I couldn't be fully myself while ministering..

The weight of self-denial starts to wear me down..

It sucks when you're composed and clear-headed in public,
but can't restrain your own emotions in private.

Refusing self-vindication, hard as it is, isn't that big of a sacrifice

compared with what was done in the Calvary.

However, it's healthy to be away for some time..

..away with Him in secret..

.. in a place where you could just freely cry

 and pour your heart out.

It's alright...

..just be yourself now..

He listens..

He knows..

  " Be ye followers of me, even as I also am of Christ. "

 1 Corinthians 11:1

Follow me...
I believe that means to see what God has done and is doing in my life. You'll still see many imperfections, but He'll surely polish all those. After you have set your eyes on this one handiwork of His, look at Him - my Maker and Designer Who is consistently doing a work in my life.

...become the woman I see in Your eyes.

..not what men thought of me..

..not what well-meaning people expect me to be..

Lord, I just want to be defined by You.

That the trial of your faith, 

being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, 

though it be tried with fire, 

might be found unto praise and honour 

and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ:

1Peter 1:7

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To my shame, other Christians are and were presently being tortured for their faith yet endures for Christ's sake. They didn't and won't deny Jesus at the cost of their lives while there was me,

denying Christ over superficial things.

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When I don't deprive myself of fasting from blogging and internet usage, 

I have already denied Christ. 

When I refuse not to finish a good movie in the evening 

so I'll have time with God, I denied Christ.

When I fail to be gracious to those who irk me, I denied Christ.

When I stop learning unconditional love towards the people

 who stretch my patience, I denied Christ

Most of all, if I can't consent to be vulnerable to criticisms, 

and  the possibility of being misunderstood because of my faith, I denied Christ.

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As for vulnerability,

there may come a time that I would get fed up with everything.

Yet God, willing to show the abundance of His grace,

gave me a verse, and I thank Him for it.

 If thou hast run with the footmen, 

and they have wearied thee, 

then how canst thou contend with horses? 

and if in the land of peace, 

wherein thou trustedst, they wearied thee, 

then how wilt thou do in the swelling of Jordan?
Jeremiah 12:5 

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Like Bro. Paul Washer, this verse speaks to me:

"If I can't live with tiny discomforts in life, 

how would my faith be when greater tests come?"

(photo from tumblr)

  And because ye are sons, God hath sent forth the Spirit of his Son into your hearts, crying, Abba, Father.
Galatians 4:6

Like a weaned child, pick me up

Carry me in your arms,

Press me on your bosom.

Abba, Father, I call on Your Name

Thank You for making me Your child

Thank You for being my Father..

I Love You..

It doesn't matter who people think I am,

 Be it Christian, Born -Again, Baptist, Jesus' Freak, Jesus' Follower, 

Jesus' Disciple, Evangelical, etc...

(photo from tumblr)

What matters is that He knows me.

I only care to know who I am in Him.

(photo from tumblr)

Jesus Loves me, this I know.

Nobody is unassailable to pain. We cry..over..various ..things..

 (photo from google) 

However, have we ever shed tears for God? Have we wept over our inability to really love Him? I know the focus is not on how much we love Him but on how much He loves us. Nonetheless, have we ever cried because of Him? Were there times that our hearts were so overwhelmed by His love that we burst out sobbing? Yes, God wants us to be joyful Christians, but there are times that crying can't be helped. Tears will continue to stream down until that glorious day when God Himself will wipe them away from our eyes.

(photo from google)

Mat_2:18  In Rama was there a voice heard, lamentation, and weeping, and great mourning, Rachel weeping for her children, and would not be comforted, because they are not.

Comfort me not when God wounds me. Leave me in His hands.

(photo from google)

Psa 51:8  Make me to hear joy and gladness; that the bones which thou hast broken may rejoice.

                                                                                            (photo from google)

Oh Lord! When I am broken. 

Give me Yourself.

(photo from google)

How can I provide comfort to a hurting brother or sister when my sympathetic words or deeds merely aggravate their wounds? 

How can I persuade them to take heart in the promise of God in Romans 8:28 when tragic circumstances escalate? 

How can I turn myself into a pillar of strength for those who turn to me for comfort when I am also wounded and bruised? 

The answer to these is that I can't. I just can't. 

I can only tell them and myself to turn to the real "Parakletos"- the Holy Spirit.

                        

When God prolongs an answer to our prayers, the enemy would buffet you with doubts regarding the Lord's character. Oftentimes, with me, he uses scriptures to justify complacency over praying for unsaved souls.  Admittedly, I don't have the outright boldness to rebuke the devil of his lies like most dynamic Christians. Helpless, I  can only run to my heavenly Father where I can pour my heart out. Following is an
excerpt from my journal dated 1/8/12:                                                                                                      (photo from tumblr)

Father,

Here, I am waiting. I can't add the words 'until now' because I have not always been 'waiting' or to be precise, 'expecting,' but I am waiting O Lord. I've been praying for the salvation of my loved ones, especially my parents. When, dear Father, will You have mercy on them? When will You draw them to Your saving knowledge? I know Lord that You do things in Your own perfect time. I implore You, dear God. If my being Your child is not enough reason for my prayers to be granted, do it for the sake of the one who selflessly and lovingly died on the cross for the world. Be please Lord to include my family among Your elects. Forbid that Satan would use my shortcomings to repel them from You. I'm getting myself out of the way, letting Jesus come forth. Open their eyes Lord that they may see, and to look unto the face of the perfect Lover. Silence also Lord the whispers from the devil not to be hopeful in regard to the souls of the people You gave me to love. Refuting the wiles of the adversary, You put me into the remembrance of Your Words.

" If God is with you, then why is He not saving your parents despite doing your part of witnessing and  praying for them?"

Father, You said in Your Word that;

a. Your thoughts of me are of peace, and not evil, to give me an expected end ( Jeremiah 29:11)

b. That when I call on You in prayer, You will hearken unto me. ( Jeremiah 29:12)

c. That for every one that asks receives ( Matthew 7:8)

" Your parents may not be among those whom God had chosen to be saved. Remember? He creates some to honor, and some to dishonor."

Lord, the Scriptures say that You loved the world so much to give Your most precious possession, Jesus, Your Son( John 3:16). Father, You also said on Ezekiel 18:23 that You find no pleasure over the death of sinners, and that You want them to find life in You when they repent of their sins.

All I can hold onto are Your promises. I beg You...Oh please dear Lord.....